Being One of the Outsiders:

I once read that the true mark of one becoming an artist is when the artist makes their own tools.

​A couple days ago I built my first locking easel system. It's very sleek, and sits off the wall only 5 inches making it incredibly useful for the limited space available to me and my family in my Annapolis condo. It cost me $30 to make and I am quite proud of that as the going rate online is something ridiculous for a few pieces of lumber and some wingnuts. Rick Rubin says in his book "The Creative Act" that "No matter what tools you use to create, the true instrument is you." I think I'm learning that a bit every day. 

My background is a bit eclectic. I grew up being poked and prodded for years in scientific experiments for neurodivergent medicinal testing. My family has been running from financial problems as far back as I have ever known. I've struggled with being an "outcast" (I prefer the term hermit) since I was very young. It's been incredibly hard for me to talk about this stuff because of how traumatic and painful it's become. 25 years of mental and emotional repression will do that I guess.

12 years old, naked, hooked up to EKG and EEG monitoring machines in front of strangers and having needles shoved into my arm every week. Sometimes, multiple times a week. Every week seeing your peers and siblings do normal things like soccer and going to parties. I spent afternoons being intensely scrutinized, tested, and told I had a genius level IQ of 147. I couldn't handle that very well. I still don't if I am being honest. I just wanted to be a normal kid and collect pokemon cards. 

I made very few friends growing up because I just think so differently from most people. I think it put lots of the other kids off. This all built up into an emotional regurgitation over years and years, so I turned to drinking right when I got into college. Drinking freed me from social pain, but shackled me to another kind. In a way alcohol is my monkey's paw. 

By some miracle, and with more than a few social, emotional, and physical scars from my crippling drinking addiction I graduated college. I did it in 4 years too(go me)! Blacking out almost every weekend if not every night was normal. Some nights, I know people hurt my body without my consent, and I still bear the scars from that pain. But if I didn't care, why should they? I went in with honors, and came out with the drunks and stoners.

Being an atypical thinker, and a bit of an outcast, I left college with very few friends. For a long, lonely time, I drank and suppressed my feelings of shame, guilt, and pain. I worked some of the best years of my life with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I worked in restaurants, bars, doing construction and odd jobs. I taught science lessons to kids, and chemistry to adults. Eventually I went back to school to study computer engineering and physics, and I kept drinking. Eventually I worked my way up to a 1/5th of liquor a night. For those counting that's 750mL. 

Then, in 2017 one of my very closest friends died of a DUI related car crash. Not one month later another of my closest friends (both of whom lived with me) died of an overdose. He was 179 days sober. To say I was obliterated was a grave understatement. I never made many friends, and the friends I have truly understand me. We are loyal to and powerful with each other. Losing them hurt more than I could ever describe here.

So, desperate and mortified with a side of PTSD I started painting. And I SUCKED!

I just kept on being really, really bad, and painting. I read articles, and watched hundreds of hours of youtube videos, and listened, and learned about painting from every source. Any source I could find! I just kept trying and trying, practicing every day.

Now, just shy of 6 years of painting under my belt and I am teaching people from all over Maryland how to paint. I have been featured in multiple Maryland galleries, and international online magazines. I feel the fruit of effort just within my reach. I just need to keep going. If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, dogged tired, or crashed out just keep going. It gets better. 

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